Text of speech given coast to coast on the Food Channel
The True Menace to America
My fellow Americans:
For some time now, our great nation has been confronting a growing threat to our lean and mean American life. This menace has caused millions of Americans to literally explode outwards in uncontrollable corpulence, and has led many of us to topple over to an untimely demise. This threat to our waistlines cannot be tolerated, and we must finally address the epicenter of this sugary evil:
As part of our world wide war on calories, we must take out the French before they have the chance to inflict more untold sugary, delectable goodness on our people. Despite our warnings and repeated rulings of the FDA and the United Nations Council on Fitness, the French have continued to conceal their pastries of mass consumption, and even now are researching new and irresistable recipes that threaten American waistlines everywhere.
Pastries of Mass Consumption
Despite our concerns, the French have refused to reveal the location of all their pastries, and we now have intelligence that secret underground bakeries exist where the French continue to produce these lip-smacking morsels of caloric death. To this end, I have ordered our brave American forces marshaled in the Republic of Monaco to put an end to this. Our irresistable force includes Rumzfeld Space Marines, B4 Caloric Blaster Bombers, and MOAB bombs to take out the French before their pastries are available on our beloved shores for 'take out'. Our forces are prepared to confront this delicious and mouth watering threat. We are prepared for this fight, and have issued airtight suits that will filter out powdered sugar in the event it is cowardly used against our brave soldiers.
The French chefs who are behind this evil will fry for their perfidy, and we will liberate the French people from this scrumptious threat. This is a food fight we did not want, but with our coalition of the willing, including Great Britain, Wal-Mart, the Fox News Channel, and of course GOD, we will prevail.
GOD bless America!
Rumzfeld Space Marine
B4 Calorie Blaster Bombers
MOAB (Mother of all Beignets) Bomb Strikes Paris
Return to even more idiocy
If you see any morsels that look like this, don't touch them! Call your doughnut disposal unit, which should be the same as your local police department..
