One dubious advance wrought by this age of analysis is the discovery that us common folk can’t be trusted to really understand ourselves through the simple application of our deductive powers, or should we say, through common sense. If we try to figure ourselves out, the theory goes, we would tend to fib, evade the truth, and end up more mixed up than when we started. A sly way to get around this deplorable lack of inner integrity is to trick ourselves into revealing our real selves. By asking just the right sort of leading questions, we can find out just what sort of person we are. Well, the problem with all this is that most of us really do know what sort of person we are, yet we still need someone to point out these personal characteristics that we’re most proud of or are most concerned about developing. Still, we can’t be told that as individuals we’re pretty OK; we have to discover it, or have it revealed to us. And that’s one reason why personality tests are so popular. Such tests can presumably unlock our should to reach the true heart of our personalities. It all smacks of mysticism really, as if our personalities were hieroglyphics just waiting for some clever psychologist to decipher.

The problem with all this is that although our tastes are varied, our motivations are hardly so. Everybody has insecurities, ambitions, or other virtuous or not so virtuous traits. Its not that these traits vary so significantly from person to person, but rather that we display them in different degrees dependent upon the specific interpersonal situation we find ourselves in. Thus, any psychological assessment which labels you kind, considerate, but sexually insecure doesn’t make sense unless you first take into account the situation that can evoke such behavior.

But who cares anyway? Psychological sleight of hand is fun and entertaining, and whether it is a fortune cookie or a multiphasic personality inventory, we like a little hocus-pocus to magically justify the reaffirming platitudes we always like to hear. Thus we offer the Yachting Quotient examination as a way of proving to you just what a swell person you are (as if you didn’t already know).

2. In choosing a mate the factor which is the most important to me is:

1. Good looks
2. Good vibes
3. Good genes
4. Tight jeans

1. What attracts me to other people is:

1. personality
2. common interests
3. the force of gravity
4. pheromones
5. a credit line at Sak’s Fifth Avenue

1. What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word ‘sex’?

1. Heavy breathing, fondling, groping, and other good stuff.
2. Frequent climatic intromission leading to meiosis, and after a while a welcome bundle of joy.
3. Meatloaf
4. The word ‘sox’ spelled wrong.

1. My idea of a very special dinner date consists of:

1. A quite candlelight dinner at home
2. Dinner at Antoine’s
3. A lucky dog for two with extra chili
4. My date picking up the check.

1. Of the following great ‘bon vivants’ of history, who do you admire most?

1. Hugh M. Hefner
2. Casnova
3. Attila the Hun
4. Yourself
5. Pepe le Peuuw

1. You have schedule a dinner date on Saturday, only to find out to your horror that you have already scheduled another date for that evening. What do you do?

1. Cancel one date with the excuse that you’ve been summoned by the Queen of England for a private audience.
2. Go out with both simultaneously, but tell each one privately that the other is a mentally ill second cousin who has romantic delusions about you.
3. Have your date cancel out on you by removing the spark plugs from her car.
4. Leave town.

1. What is herpes

1. A Greek god
2. The love bug
3. A tasty legume
4. The name of a new profit center for Merck laboratories

8. The magazine I consult most frequently for pertinent advice about love, marriage, and sexuality is:

1. Playboy
2. Reader’s digest
3. Field and Stream
4. Cosmopolitan
5. Humpty-Dumpty

9. My most profound sexual insecurity is:

1. getting it up
2. getting it down
3. losing it
4. catching it

10 . I normally know that I’d like to enter a long term relationship by the

1. first date
2. first kiss
3. first fondle
4. first pregnancy

11. If you see someone at a bar that you’d really like to meet,. you should:

1. jump up and down, wave and smile like a total idiot
2. introduce yourself as a talent scout for the Wheel of Fortune
3. during the next three hours, try to establish eye contact, move yourself closer, and try to let that person know that you’re interested.
4. Buy two adjacent seats for some wildly popular Broadway play, leave one inauspiciously so that person can find it, and hope that he or she shows up.

11. My sexual orientation is:

1. homo-sexual
2. bi-sexual
3. heterosexual
4. asexual
5. Southern Baptist

Ok, now total up your score

1.(a)4,(b)6,(c)8,(d)2

2.(a)7,(b)8,(c)0,(d)1

3.(a)6,(b)7,(c)0,(d)0

4.(a)9,(b)9,(c)-5,(d)0

5.(a)5,(b)9,(c)-7,(d)6(e)-10

6.(a)7,(b)4,(c)8,(d)2

7.(a)0,(b)9,(c)0,(d)8

8.(a)8,(b)2,(c)0,(d)8(e)0

9.(a)0,(b)4,(c)4,(d)8

10.(a)5,(b)6,(c)4,(d)1

11.(a)-3,(b)3,(c)6,(d)5

12.(a)5,(b)7,(c)7,(d)-1(e)-5

If you scored between:

80-100 points

You are kind, considerate, but have some sexual insecurities. Your are shy at times, except when you’re boisterous, or when your Uncle Fred visits. You don’t particularly like ketchup on your french fries, and you like to date people who come from Krasnoturinsk, Russia, or thereabouts.

60-79 points

You have some sexual insecurities, but in general are kindly and considerate. You like to sleep late on Saturday, and you don’t like to eat crackers in bed. You can become fairly disturbed over broken dates, but nonetheless remain resolutely committed to your heterosexuality. You like to date people of the opposite sex.

below 60 points

You are considerate and kind, but from time to time you are sexually insecure. You don’t like putting ketchup on your dates, however edible underwear is fine when included with a balanced breakfast. You like to date people of homo-sapiens descent.