ARE YOU REALLY, REALLY SURE YOU WANT TO PICK UP MEN?

As all women know, picking up men is as easy as picking up lint, it’s the ultimate brush off that’s important. Men are interesting yet schizoid creatures, and often act on desires which are at cross purposes to what they really desire. Hence what attracts a man in the short term may repulse him in the long after, and vice versa. Thus, the practice of picking up men must be determined by whether you want to entertain him as a passing fancy, or whether you would fancy him to stick around awhile longer. Since men often act like ravenous trout and bit on anything, its always helpful for a lady to inventory those lures which, like it or not, attract all sorts of men. These men may be prize catches, or they may be of the more trashy variety, and will need to be thrown back into the social waters at the first opportunity.

YOUR LOOKS:

Miss October for Playboy

Magazine +10

Girl Next Door +7

Attractive, but a nice personality +5

Miss October for Weight Watchers

Magazine +2

Frightens small animals -6

Sexually attracts small animals -10

YOUR CAREER:

Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader +10

Fashion Model +9

Nurse +7

Teacher +6

CPA +2

President of GM -10

YOUR INTERESTS

Whatever he’s interested in +10

The symphony, current affairs,

poetry, cooking +9

Movies, bridge, idle gossip -4

Arm wrestling, drag racing, and

soap sculpting. -2

Knitting, eating chocolates, and

watching the ‘Wheel of Fortune’ -10

YOUR SHAPE:

Raquel Welch Clone +10

Curvaceous +8

Need a little body work +4

Pleasingly plum -2

Gelatinous mass -10

YOUR PERSONALITY

Sweet, loving, giving and oversexed +10

Intellectual, witty, friendly, and shy +8

Gregarious, fun loving, and a good

listener +5

Domineering, overbearing, and

Aggressive -4

Slobbering, inane, and disheveled,

yet housebroken -10

YOUR VALUES

Wild sex, noncommitment, and

picking up the check +10

Home, family, and apple pie +9

Life, liberty, and the pursuit

of a husband +4

Career, no children, solitary

vacations in the Alps, and a

husband who can cook, vacuum, and

fix things. -7

Chastity, radical feminism, and a

Husband who can cook, and is fixed -10

If you scored between:

50-60 Points

You are so fantastic, men are sent all aquiver by the mere sight of your ear lobe. Give your perfection, those men who would surround you seem like the seven dwarves by comparison. It is thus wise to avoid gift apples other women may offer you.

30-49 Points

You should probably have no problems picking up any man you choose. However, being a choosy person, you probably return unworn most of the men you pick up die to real or imagined defects. This is perhaps due to the fact that you have Bloomingdales’ tastes, yet are confronted by the sad fact that most men have all the quality of any item you can pick up in a bin at Bill’s Dollar Store.

0-29 Points

As a pretty normal person, most men won’t try to pick you up unless you give them a strong hint to do so. But even then, you are probably more often relieved that you are not the object of the unwanted attention of most men.

-40- -1 points

You can’t leave your house without some men attempting to pick you up, but unfortunately these men are with the police department or the city pound. Men don’t want to sleep with you, however putting you to sleep does strike their fancy.