Please don't Squeeze the Cucumber!
It's all about squeezing the cucumber. Evolution saw to that. For the male of the species, family ties, marital vows, or social convention do not count. The cucumber must be squeezed. It's not an emotional thing, it's not a sentimental thing. Just routine maintenance, that's all. Of course, the cucumber, like the Thanksgiving turkey, can be dressed up in sentiment, tradition, and be only trotted out on special occasions, and squeezed by only certain people.
Please don't squeeze the cucumber, at least in public!
But despite social conventions, the need is still there, and men know deep down that the cucumber must be squeezed. Squeezing the cucumber is a task of great delicacy, not just any instrument will do. Power tools are definitely not suggested. Ideally, it needs to nestle in a soft, round moist place with a lot of curves. More commonly however, one has to take things into one's own hands. That's a shame too, but not unprecendented. Other items have the same problems. Melons, buns, nuts, and other low hanging fruits also need to be periodically jostled, pinched, and otherwise stroked, But tradition decrees otherwise. So they all end up wrapped, priced outlandishly, and stored just out of reach and seen mainly in catalogs.
It's all for our protection of course, an insurance for our good health and fidelity to our in house vendor. But we know otherwise. It's a restriction of trade, an interference of the free market. And that we cannot abide. But we still put up with this restraint of trade, knowing full well that in a free market for cucumber squeezing, we would be healthier, happier, and would visit our in house fruit vendor just as much, and with an enthusiasm undiminished.
...back to even more idiocy from Dr. Mezmer
